Another great piece of writing. This would perhaps be my favourite extract:

"My feet begin to spin me
Into a careless twirl.
My stained skirt
Floating about my knees.
My blonde hair in
waves
and
braids
Dancing around
this thoughtless ballet of disparage."

I loved that. Truely electrifying. Thank you

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Saladin^TM - Rub with CARE

inspired

thanks
having your comment and fav for this piece made me feel on top of the world
thank you

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"The greatest dream of all, no make that the greatest hope of all, is to constantly reawaken to life."
- Peruvian Proverb

It was my pleasure

--
Saladin^TM - Rub with CARE

I don't know why, my Corey...but somehow this gives me the slightest feeling of Whitman.
Which is possibly the highest compliment I can pay anyone.
Not the style, but the general sense is a little bit like Live Oak with Moss.

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Oh, I'm so glad you're not an evil sex demon sent here to tempt me! [link]

This is gorgeous... and so sad, too. The imagery is so vivid, it made me want to cry because it was so emotional... Awesome work!

The last line reminds of of the same emotion expressed by a line in Pablo Neruda's "Puedo Escribir."
"La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo."

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I am in love with her. [link]

Hi! I enjoyed the sentiment of this piece and the imagery, particularly the imprint in the grass and the hair flying. It felt real to me—heartfelt stuff. I also liked your use of poetic use of language in places: “escaped conversations,” “art of wind,” etc. However, I think there are a few unnecessary redundancies in the poem as well as opportunities for compression. I also think the piece “jumps the shark” at one point and becomes a bit too sentimental.

In general, I recommend you try to be a little more direct when you write and that you trust your reader to glean emotion from your words. Let us interact with the poem. The most vivid emotions are often those left unstated.

Specific suggestions:

Feeling uninspired

I recommend you remove this line. We understand your mood from “sullen” below; you don’t need to tell us.

I took off my coat and shoes
And began wandering in the
Sullen fields of grain.

This should be in the present tense in order to match the rest of the piece. Also, I recommend you change “begin wandering” to simply “wander.” It’s more direct and more effective. Finally, I wonder about the enjambment here. Combined with the capitalization of each line, it puts a strong emphasis on “sullen.” I recommend ...in the sullen/Fields of grain. instead.

The emptiness of this hour
Is taunting me with its
Forgetful glory.

I recommend you drop with its/Forgetful glory. It’s vague and unnecessary and rings as sarcasm, incongruent with the rest of the piece. I also recommend you stay away from gerund constructs such as “is taunting.” “Taunts” is stronger.

You have me.

Perhaps that is the reason why you withdrew.

I recommend you compress the second line and make it as simple and direct as possible. Personally, I would ask the question, “Is that why you left?” You could also go with, “Perhaps that’s why you left.”

My feet begin to spin me
Into a careless twirl.
My stained skirt
Floating about my knees.
My blonde hair in
waves
and
braids
Dancing around
this thoughtless ballet of disparage.

I suggest:

My feet twirl me.
My stained skirt
Floats about my knees.
My blonde hair in
waves
and
braids
Dances around.

“Twirling” implies spinning and carelessness, and the verb forms are stronger this way. Also, the last line again tries to spell out the mood. I think you should trust the reader to understand the emotions without being told.

The fields
Still retain
The scent of your cigarettes.
The honey grain
Still circles effortlessly
With the imprint of our bodies.
The imprints are revived in a mirage to remind me
When we laid down to make love
Within this golden maze.

I recommend you drop “effortlessly.” Adverbs should be used sparingly, and this one adds little in my opinion. I also recommend you drop the last three lines. Again, I think you should trust the reader to easily intuit that the bodies were matting the grass for this reason.

In escaped conversations over coffee-
You worked in your cool, confident ways
To captivate my mind-
Mesmerize my emotions-
And fool my reason
Into believing that you in fact meant your lies
When you promised me
Your love and the world.

Dashes (x—x) are not hyphens (x-x), but in this case I recommend a different construction entirely. I also suggest a lot of compression here. Less is more:

You worked in your cool, confident ways
In escaped conversations over coffee.
I was captivated,
Mesmerized,
Fooled
When you promised me
Your love and the world.

After this point, I think the piece waxes a little too “poetic” when I believe directness would be more powerful. It also begins to repeat itself. I think you’ve said most of what you had to say, so I recommend that you wrap up quickly. Here are the bits I suggest you hold onto (remixed):

You mapped our future
By the paths of the stars.

The absence of your hands in my hair
Makes me weak,
Numbness overtakes my thoughts,
And the art of wind
Carries me away.

---------------------

Here is the piece with the edits I’ve suggested:

I take off my coat and shoes
And wander in the sullen
Fields of grain.

The emptiness of this hour
taunts me.

You have me.

Is that why you left?

My feet twirl me.
My stained skirt
Floats about my knees.
My blonde hair in
waves
and
braids
Dances around.

The fields
Still retain
The scent of your cigarettes.
The honey grain
Still circles
With the imprint of our bodies.

You worked in your cool, confident ways
In escaped conversations over coffee.
I was captivated,
Mesmerized,
Fooled
When you promised me
Your love and the world.

You mapped our future
By the paths of the stars.

The absence of your hands in my hair
Makes me weak,
Numbness overtakes my thoughts,
And the art of wind
Carries me away.

Again, I like the imagery of the piece, and the emotion behind it seems sincere and truthful. I just think it needs to be tightened up a bit.

I hope that was helpful.



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At your service.